*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
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When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
🤭😂
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
every. time.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.