[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
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I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
The booster protects against what, now?
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.