“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
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If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick