may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
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My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags