Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
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Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
translated into Canadian
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again