“OMGJK” -atheists
You Might Also Like
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Can. I. Help. You.