“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
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I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.