Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
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It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*