Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
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This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
That’s easy for you to say
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.