I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
You Might Also Like
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers