in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
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Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought