Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
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My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.