Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
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“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Who.
Did.
This?
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Hotels are back
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.