[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
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Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?