WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
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[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
This is the one
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.