“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
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Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.