Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
You Might Also Like
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.