Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
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I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.