He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
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The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”