When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
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Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
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If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.