[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
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Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier