My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
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The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
New mindset, who dis?
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
The French word for sex is croissant.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.