Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
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The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now