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Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no