[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
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If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
You know…for fall…
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
My work here is done