If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
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I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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90Me: Nailed it.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.