If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
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my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
kevin is now a local weatherman
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
it’s a van. how do they not know this