Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
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How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.