I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
You Might Also Like
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.