Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
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When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Its true…
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it