Kids: Stay in school.
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[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Girl, same.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]