I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
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Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
welp
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.