Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
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It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Not😆🤣
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Pickled cat.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.