restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
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Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Me too 😆
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.