I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
You Might Also Like
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.