My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
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My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.