I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
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Netflix and you sit over there.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.