Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
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made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
notice
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Same pineapple, same
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’