[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
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Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Don’t forget to tip your server
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess