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[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?