First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
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Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.