“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
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[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
#Caturday
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever