her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
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Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?