The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.
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When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
be careful
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.