βi donβt really like halloweenβ π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©
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*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
βlosing/taking virginityβ
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you donβt actually lose or take anything ?βsexual debutβ
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Had to try this trend π
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was βcheese loversβ and was like oooooo thereβs a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, βCan I keep this?β
everyone calm down theyβre just doing a test run of the rapture
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. Itβs nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, aβ
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS ITβS TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESNβT MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CANβT CATCH ME
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, Iβm not telling them it was store bought.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses