Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
You Might Also Like
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Me sliding into hell like
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Important
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level