Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
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Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
oh u like geography? name every lake
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.