I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
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If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Holy moly
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
You can fuck up big time letting someone know you have a printer
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I want them to step in water with their socks on.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Hotels: We have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or placemat.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Teaching my dad to Venmo but I think it’d be easier if we just walked over to the guy’s house and handed him a bag of quarters.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?