I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
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If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”