I miss this era type of pranks😭
You Might Also Like
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.